Divorce:
Divorce has never been part of my family, and for that I am thankful. But it is part of many people's families. So it is good to look into it and realize the difficulties that come because of it and remarriage.
We looked at the divorce timeline and the things that contributed to it's rise. One of the major things was the new divorce law. This was a no-fault divorce law which made it so that you didn't have to provide evidence of how bad the relationship was. This made it easier to get a divorce, and less embarrassing.
One of the things we talked about was that the average divorced father lives 400 miles away from his 12 year old children. This is due to many reasons but the main one is he has to find a better paying job. Divorce tends to effect the finances negatively of both parents. One of the major factors on the father's income is that now he has to pay child support.
We then talked about the difficulties that are associated with reconstituted families. The second marriage is less likely to make it than the first. This is due to the fact that not only does the couple have all the challenges of a first marriage, they also have many more. One of these challenges is the children. New rules and expectations come with a remarriage. But we learned some steps that can help a family deal with this time.
-It takes at least two years to reach normalcy
-the biological parent needs to handle the heavy discipline
-the step parent needs to take on the role of a good uncle/aunt. One who the child can turn to, and talk to, they also need to give their support to the parent.
-and the parents need to be conferencing together.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
Parenting:
Today in class we learned about parenting. I found this subject very interesting because we took a different approach to what I normally hear. We talked about active parenting and how we need to focus on the needs of the child, and not just the negative behaviors.
Which I agree with, it has always bugged me when people talk about how they just want to teach their children to obey, listen, and follow instructions. Because I have always thought that parenting is so much more, we should be trying to teach our children understanding. W want our kids to understand why they are listening, not just doing what we say because "I said so."
Everyone has needs and when our needs are not met we try different things to have them met. The two needs that we talked about in class were contact & belonging and Power. And lets say our need for contact & belonging is not being met. We try to satisfy it with other things like misbehavior or by annoying others. But we can never get enough of what we don't need. So we can be annoying as we can but our need will not be met. And that goes for every need, if we try to satisfy it in the wrong way, no matter how much we try our need will not be met.
I just find this amazing, and it makes me look at parenting differently.
Today in class we learned about parenting. I found this subject very interesting because we took a different approach to what I normally hear. We talked about active parenting and how we need to focus on the needs of the child, and not just the negative behaviors.
Which I agree with, it has always bugged me when people talk about how they just want to teach their children to obey, listen, and follow instructions. Because I have always thought that parenting is so much more, we should be trying to teach our children understanding. W want our kids to understand why they are listening, not just doing what we say because "I said so."
Everyone has needs and when our needs are not met we try different things to have them met. The two needs that we talked about in class were contact & belonging and Power. And lets say our need for contact & belonging is not being met. We try to satisfy it with other things like misbehavior or by annoying others. But we can never get enough of what we don't need. So we can be annoying as we can but our need will not be met. And that goes for every need, if we try to satisfy it in the wrong way, no matter how much we try our need will not be met.
I just find this amazing, and it makes me look at parenting differently.
Friday, June 29, 2012
This week was alot of work.
Actually it was, we talked about work, and the affects that it has on the family.
We discussed the history of work which I found very interesting. How it hasn't been until recently, since the industrial revolution, that families have been separated during work. Before then everyone did most everything together. Which I had never though about before. Yes there was still some division of labor but it was due to the skills that people possessed. Since men are generally stronger they would do some of the heavy lifting, and women and more detail oriented.
This is not the case anymore. Dad works outside of the home, and in many cases mom does too. The children used to work in factories, but now they are gone all day for school, then scouts, sports, dance, piano, and hundreds of other things.
I grew up working, and I love it. I don't have a job right now and so I feel extremely lazy. I used to get mad if there was family work that I wasn't able to do. Work has always been part of my life, and I see the benefits of it.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Communication and Conflict:
Two topics of this weeks discussions. We started off with communication which is something that I feel is always talked about when looking at relationships. But that is okay because there is always new things to learn.
words= 14%
tone= 35%
nonverbal=51%
these were the numbers that we used when looking at how we communicate. Even though there are many different studies that quote all sorts of percentages. But all of them have nonverbal as being the majority. Which is something that I find cool. How much we say when we are not saying anything.
Which brings me to something else that we talked about. Which is that you are always communicating. Even if you walk away or give people the silent treatment then you are still communicating some message. Which means you should always be aware of the messages you are sending.
We stated out our conversation of conflict by talking about power and what power actually is. The definition that we came up with was the ability to influence they way someone thinks feels, or behaves. And there are different types of power.
One of the things the book talked about was styles of conflict. When didn't go over this in class but I found it interesting. These are competition, avoidance, accommodation, compromise, and collaboration. I thought about what style I use. and I think it is one of two depending on the situation. I'm either accommodation, where I neglect what I want in order for the other person to have what they want. Which isn't always a good thing. But I realized that I am also collaboration. This is when you are very concerned about your interests but also the other's interests. I can think of situations where I wasn't going to give in, but at the same time I didn't want the other person to give in to me, because I cared about their opinions.
It is good to be aware of these things because once you realize how you operate you have a better ability to know what is going on. You can build your relationship, and work on establishing healthy boundaries.
Two topics of this weeks discussions. We started off with communication which is something that I feel is always talked about when looking at relationships. But that is okay because there is always new things to learn.
words= 14%
tone= 35%
nonverbal=51%
these were the numbers that we used when looking at how we communicate. Even though there are many different studies that quote all sorts of percentages. But all of them have nonverbal as being the majority. Which is something that I find cool. How much we say when we are not saying anything.
Which brings me to something else that we talked about. Which is that you are always communicating. Even if you walk away or give people the silent treatment then you are still communicating some message. Which means you should always be aware of the messages you are sending.
We stated out our conversation of conflict by talking about power and what power actually is. The definition that we came up with was the ability to influence they way someone thinks feels, or behaves. And there are different types of power.
One of the things the book talked about was styles of conflict. When didn't go over this in class but I found it interesting. These are competition, avoidance, accommodation, compromise, and collaboration. I thought about what style I use. and I think it is one of two depending on the situation. I'm either accommodation, where I neglect what I want in order for the other person to have what they want. Which isn't always a good thing. But I realized that I am also collaboration. This is when you are very concerned about your interests but also the other's interests. I can think of situations where I wasn't going to give in, but at the same time I didn't want the other person to give in to me, because I cared about their opinions.
It is good to be aware of these things because once you realize how you operate you have a better ability to know what is going on. You can build your relationship, and work on establishing healthy boundaries.
Friday, June 15, 2012
This week we learned about family crisis.
We looked at how families can go through similar trials but the responses to it are completely different between families. This can be explained using the ABC-X model.
A- actual event
B-behavioral response
C- cognition (thoughts)
and then all those together equal X which is total experience.
We then went on to discuss the other things that effect how stressful a crisis is.
It can be internal or external, normative or nonnormative, ambiguous or non ambiguous, volitional or non volitional, chronic or acute, and cumulative or isolated.
One of the things that I found interesting from this list was volitional or non volitional. Because if we have some choice in the event then it is not as stressful to us. Because we like to feel in control.
We then talked about ways of coping with crisis.
If you are prepared for them, then they will not have the same effects, and the stress will push our families closer together instead of opening up a gap.
Responsibility during an event was another things we also discussed. How we need to recognize the responsibly that we have. But we also talked about in some crisis that we are the victim and didn't have control over the situation. but the responsibility for that is spelled response-ability. We are still in control of how we respond.
We looked at how families can go through similar trials but the responses to it are completely different between families. This can be explained using the ABC-X model.
A- actual event
B-behavioral response
C- cognition (thoughts)
and then all those together equal X which is total experience.
We then went on to discuss the other things that effect how stressful a crisis is.
It can be internal or external, normative or nonnormative, ambiguous or non ambiguous, volitional or non volitional, chronic or acute, and cumulative or isolated.
One of the things that I found interesting from this list was volitional or non volitional. Because if we have some choice in the event then it is not as stressful to us. Because we like to feel in control.
We then talked about ways of coping with crisis.
If you are prepared for them, then they will not have the same effects, and the stress will push our families closer together instead of opening up a gap.
Responsibility during an event was another things we also discussed. How we need to recognize the responsibly that we have. But we also talked about in some crisis that we are the victim and didn't have control over the situation. but the responsibility for that is spelled response-ability. We are still in control of how we respond.
Friday, June 8, 2012
This week we discussed sexual intimacy. We went over a number of things but the part of the class that I learned the most from was a question and answer period.
One of the things that was asked was how much should you disclose to someone before you are married about past experiences.
I have always felt that you should tell them about past relationships. And there were people in our class who disagreed. Our teacher didn't have a answer but he did give us ideas to help us govern our decision.
Some of the things to consider are that with today's technology you don't know what people will post on facebook or say. You will never know when your spouse will find out. And many times the partner feels they were mislead if they find out later. Another thing he said that stood out was you can only make a good decision when informed. I just liked his explanation for this because I feel that you should be very open when the person you are going to marry.
We also covered teaching children about sex. We talked about the do's and the don'ts.
Here are the few things that I agree with:
Don't send the message that sex is bad. Because its not wrong, but you need to teach that it needs to be done within marriage and that it is very special and sacred.
don't use incorrect terminology. This can cause embarrassment when children don't know the actual term. and it makes sex shameful to talk about.
One of the things that was asked was how much should you disclose to someone before you are married about past experiences.
I have always felt that you should tell them about past relationships. And there were people in our class who disagreed. Our teacher didn't have a answer but he did give us ideas to help us govern our decision.
Some of the things to consider are that with today's technology you don't know what people will post on facebook or say. You will never know when your spouse will find out. And many times the partner feels they were mislead if they find out later. Another thing he said that stood out was you can only make a good decision when informed. I just liked his explanation for this because I feel that you should be very open when the person you are going to marry.
We also covered teaching children about sex. We talked about the do's and the don'ts.
Here are the few things that I agree with:
Don't send the message that sex is bad. Because its not wrong, but you need to teach that it needs to be done within marriage and that it is very special and sacred.
don't use incorrect terminology. This can cause embarrassment when children don't know the actual term. and it makes sex shameful to talk about.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
This week we moved on to learning about the wedding and the first kid.
We started off my talking about the proposal. We were asked to think about if the proposal mattered or not. I thought no, not really. But as we discussed it I came to see that the proposal is very important. Because they way you start the relationship off is the way it will continue. So if you don't have clarity in the proposal then the relationship will be lacking clarity all throughout. And we talked about the man asking the girls father for permission. Which has always bugged me. I figure that I am the he should be asking. I'm not owned by anyone, even though I love and respect my dad. But it is a good thing because you are acknowledging the parents, which sets up the relationship to start out on a good foot. Because the parents are more likely to let you do your own thing if you recognize their roles. And if doesn't have to be permission it can just be asking for support and letting them know your intentions.
After all you don't just marry a person, you marry into a family.
Another thing that we discussed was the first child, and how marital satisfaction decreases after the first child. We talked about a number of reasons that this happens, but the part that I find interesting is how we can stop this from happening.
-The wife should involve the husband. let him feel the baby kick, help pick out the name, go to doctor appointments with her.
-The wife should not complain, by this I mean don't regret the baby because your miserable, remember that your love created this child
-planning ways to have the husband involved during the birth
-keep the couples mothers out of the delivery room
Then we focused on how there is a sacred part of having a child. It is a beautiful thing, and God wants to guide us and direct us. So always turn to him.
That applies into every aspect of life, but the decisions of who to marry and when to have children are especially important, and we need his guidance as we do.
We started off my talking about the proposal. We were asked to think about if the proposal mattered or not. I thought no, not really. But as we discussed it I came to see that the proposal is very important. Because they way you start the relationship off is the way it will continue. So if you don't have clarity in the proposal then the relationship will be lacking clarity all throughout. And we talked about the man asking the girls father for permission. Which has always bugged me. I figure that I am the he should be asking. I'm not owned by anyone, even though I love and respect my dad. But it is a good thing because you are acknowledging the parents, which sets up the relationship to start out on a good foot. Because the parents are more likely to let you do your own thing if you recognize their roles. And if doesn't have to be permission it can just be asking for support and letting them know your intentions.
After all you don't just marry a person, you marry into a family.
Another thing that we discussed was the first child, and how marital satisfaction decreases after the first child. We talked about a number of reasons that this happens, but the part that I find interesting is how we can stop this from happening.
-The wife should involve the husband. let him feel the baby kick, help pick out the name, go to doctor appointments with her.
-The wife should not complain, by this I mean don't regret the baby because your miserable, remember that your love created this child
-planning ways to have the husband involved during the birth
-keep the couples mothers out of the delivery room
Then we focused on how there is a sacred part of having a child. It is a beautiful thing, and God wants to guide us and direct us. So always turn to him.
That applies into every aspect of life, but the decisions of who to marry and when to have children are especially important, and we need his guidance as we do.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Falling in Love:
That was our topic of discussion in class this week. But mainly our whole class period I tuned most of it out. We all ready gets you need to date date date everywhere else. but there where a few things that I did find very interesting.
First off the mis attribution of arousal:
I had heard about this before. In a study a women asked men questions on a very high and shaky bridge and then the same women asked them the same questions on a low sturdy and very safe bridge. The people from the first were more attracted to the women because they misinterpreted their fear of the bridge as attraction to her. So in class we talked about others studies done on this same topic. I just find it fascinating how if we don't understand our feelings we will assign them to something in our environment. And it also makes me wonder if guys try to use this to their advantage, because the last date I went on the guy drove extremely fast.
Relationship Attachment Model (RAM):
This was so cool to me because I have always been told that touch should not come first in a relationship. But it is not just a parents wish for their child to be safe there is actually research that backs this up.
This shows that there are five areas in building a relationship.
Know Trust Rely Commit Touch
and each of these changes as the relationship does but healthy development goes from left to right. The thing that I found cool is that there is a slider under each of these. So when Know increases then Trust can. and Rely can then increase as Trust does. but it has to be level with or lower than the one before.
The example that we used in to know class was a car, you have someone before you will trust them with your car. And you have to trust them more than you rely on them.
When these go out of order then it falsely pushes the others up. For example when Touch goes up prematurely then we falsely think that all the other ones have, which leads to unstable development.
That was our topic of discussion in class this week. But mainly our whole class period I tuned most of it out. We all ready gets you need to date date date everywhere else. but there where a few things that I did find very interesting.
First off the mis attribution of arousal:
I had heard about this before. In a study a women asked men questions on a very high and shaky bridge and then the same women asked them the same questions on a low sturdy and very safe bridge. The people from the first were more attracted to the women because they misinterpreted their fear of the bridge as attraction to her. So in class we talked about others studies done on this same topic. I just find it fascinating how if we don't understand our feelings we will assign them to something in our environment. And it also makes me wonder if guys try to use this to their advantage, because the last date I went on the guy drove extremely fast.
Relationship Attachment Model (RAM):
This was so cool to me because I have always been told that touch should not come first in a relationship. But it is not just a parents wish for their child to be safe there is actually research that backs this up.
This shows that there are five areas in building a relationship.
Know Trust Rely Commit Touch
and each of these changes as the relationship does but healthy development goes from left to right. The thing that I found cool is that there is a slider under each of these. So when Know increases then Trust can. and Rely can then increase as Trust does. but it has to be level with or lower than the one before.
The example that we used in to know class was a car, you have someone before you will trust them with your car. And you have to trust them more than you rely on them.
When these go out of order then it falsely pushes the others up. For example when Touch goes up prematurely then we falsely think that all the other ones have, which leads to unstable development.
Friday, May 18, 2012
One of the things that we discussed this week, and what I found
most interesting, was the differences between men and women. Even from a young
age there are differences. And not just of obvious ones.
To start off this section we watched a video about this subject. In it some ladies were saying that if women are not capable of doing the same work as a man then the standard should be lowered or technology should aide them. She was speaking of instances like the fire department where physical strength is involved. This made me mad. I feel that if we a lowering the standards then that is not equality. We should be equal but that means that we must meet the same requirements to do the job.
To start off this section we watched a video about this subject. In it some ladies were saying that if women are not capable of doing the same work as a man then the standard should be lowered or technology should aide them. She was speaking of instances like the fire department where physical strength is involved. This made me mad. I feel that if we a lowering the standards then that is not equality. We should be equal but that means that we must meet the same requirements to do the job.
Another thing that we talked about was how when men focus on
a task that is all they are focused on and they devote a lot of energy to that
one task. But women focus on many different things at once, that is one reason
they can be doing something and then say “I don’t hear the kids anymore”
So I was thinking about that and one time my aunt was telling
me that when her husband reads books his whole attention is devoted to that
book. She said that she found the only way to get his attention was to call him
one of the characters in the book. I thought that was so cool to devote that
much attention to a book, and I tried it the next time I was reading, no I can’t
do that. While the majority of my attention is on the book, I am also listening
to everything around me.
I found this very interesting to look at the qualities that
are generally associated with each sex and see how well the complement each
other and work well together. But at the same time I see qualities of both that
I have.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Social Class:
That is one of the first things that we talked about this week in class. And to tell the truth I have never seen much of it in my life. But that is what I get coming from a small town. I never thought that I saw it but now looking back I suppose that it was there, but it was part of life, and since the differences were not extreme no one pointed them out.
The question that we asked for how this ties into family relations is...
Does social class matter in accomplishing the purposes of a family?
And some kids in my class said that it did, but I don't think so.
My logic behind that is that the values you teach your children are more important then the class you are in. And while every class has its own unique problems and stresses that does not hinder your ability to teach.
Children need to be taught to care about themselves and others, and that can be taught in any social class. Laziness is not designated to a class. Some of the hardest working people I know are from a low class, and others are from a higher class.
I feel that it comes down to the mindset, and the effort you are going to put into accomplish the purpose of a family. and effort is not assigned to a class.
Genogram:
So we have an assignment to make a genogram. Which I started on this week. And it has been so fun, I am learning about my family, There is so many things i didn't realize, even among my aunts and uncles. So it should be fun to keep working on it.
That is one of the first things that we talked about this week in class. And to tell the truth I have never seen much of it in my life. But that is what I get coming from a small town. I never thought that I saw it but now looking back I suppose that it was there, but it was part of life, and since the differences were not extreme no one pointed them out.
The question that we asked for how this ties into family relations is...
Does social class matter in accomplishing the purposes of a family?
And some kids in my class said that it did, but I don't think so.
My logic behind that is that the values you teach your children are more important then the class you are in. And while every class has its own unique problems and stresses that does not hinder your ability to teach.
Children need to be taught to care about themselves and others, and that can be taught in any social class. Laziness is not designated to a class. Some of the hardest working people I know are from a low class, and others are from a higher class.
I feel that it comes down to the mindset, and the effort you are going to put into accomplish the purpose of a family. and effort is not assigned to a class.
Genogram:
So we have an assignment to make a genogram. Which I started on this week. And it has been so fun, I am learning about my family, There is so many things i didn't realize, even among my aunts and uncles. So it should be fun to keep working on it.
Friday, May 4, 2012
This week in class we went into more depth on systems theory. Within a system there are rules, boundaries, and roles. The rules that we are talking about are not the eat all you veggies, but the unspoken rules that govern our family interactions. Coming up with these rules was difficult for me because I live with then daily and don't notice them. but here are some that I thought of after some time.
1. Football is more important than anything else on TV. Football comes before most things in my house, but it is also a rule that we don't point out that football is more important. Many times it is bed time for the younger kids, but if someone needs to check the scores or finish the game, then they can stay up later.
2. We don't talk about things that happen in the family outside of the family. I remember the first time I broke this rule I told one of my friends something, and I was so mad at their reaction. Not because it was rude or wrong in anyway but because I though they had no right to have a reaction to something that happened in my family, even though I had told them about it.
The different boundaries that are found in families are ridged, clear, and diffused. In class we compared these to fences.
Ridged: is a cinder block wall. Neighbors know where the boundary is and it keeps people out, but also isolates us in.
Clear: is a picket fence, the boundary is set but it encourages communication, and our neighbors still think we are friendly.
Diffused: are the fence post are up but no one every finished the fence. Here the idea of the boundary is there but nothing really stops us.
1. Football is more important than anything else on TV. Football comes before most things in my house, but it is also a rule that we don't point out that football is more important. Many times it is bed time for the younger kids, but if someone needs to check the scores or finish the game, then they can stay up later.
2. We don't talk about things that happen in the family outside of the family. I remember the first time I broke this rule I told one of my friends something, and I was so mad at their reaction. Not because it was rude or wrong in anyway but because I though they had no right to have a reaction to something that happened in my family, even though I had told them about it.
The different boundaries that are found in families are ridged, clear, and diffused. In class we compared these to fences.
Ridged: is a cinder block wall. Neighbors know where the boundary is and it keeps people out, but also isolates us in.
Clear: is a picket fence, the boundary is set but it encourages communication, and our neighbors still think we are friendly.
Diffused: are the fence post are up but no one every finished the fence. Here the idea of the boundary is there but nothing really stops us.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Well first blog post, And I don’t know what I want to talk
about.
We watched a video in class about how population is in decline.
This was something that I had never thought about. Before I was always taught
that the world population was growing exponential, but this video told that the
opposite was true, and that because we are in decline there are consequences we
are going to have to face. In class we discussed the different things that lead
up to this decline. Such as the book the Population Bomb which made people
think children were bad for the world. The women’s revolution, sexual revolution,
and divorce revolution, and the rise of individualism played a role in this
decrease. The thing I found most
interesting was the divorce revolution.
The divorce revolution started when California passed the no
fault divorce bill, which made it so anyone could get a divorce without proving
the wrong-doing of their partner. This lowered the number of children people
had because a time factor comes into play since it takes time to get married,
get divorced and get remarried if they choose to. The average marrying age has increased. It is now 26 for women and 28 for men for the first marriage. And even though men usually
remarry within two years after a divorce women take longer. And by the time they get remarried
their childbearing years are limited. And since divorce is more common people
hesitate to have children because if they divorce it causes difficulties for future
relationships.
Now for what I was thinking…
So agree that we should be having children and that it is good for the economy, our communities, and for a support group. And from a gospel standpoint we also need to have children, which I agree with. But I think that extremes in anything are bad. The extreme of having too many children is as bad as not having any children. I think that we need to be realistic when thinking about having children.
So agree that we should be having children and that it is good for the economy, our communities, and for a support group. And from a gospel standpoint we also need to have children, which I agree with. But I think that extremes in anything are bad. The extreme of having too many children is as bad as not having any children. I think that we need to be realistic when thinking about having children.
Well for not knowing what to say I sure wrote alot.
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